dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
where are my eyebrows?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize