So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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