if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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