I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
