Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
