I think I won the penis lottery.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
