i would punch a child for taco bell
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
