i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
