Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
