i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
