I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
