Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
