I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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