today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
