dude i'm inner monologue high
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
