meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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