I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize