I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Randomize
