i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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