if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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