Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's always time for handjobs
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
