i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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