I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
