She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
