Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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