At least make sure they are 18
Why
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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