I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
