No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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