they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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