I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
