am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
