i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
