Apparently you make a good broom.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
