so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
