dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
