My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We left the knife in your bed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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