I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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