The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
