Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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