You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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