Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
