Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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