Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
