Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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