all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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