I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
