Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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