I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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