I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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