made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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