so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
