I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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