just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
