I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.