I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
