yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
