So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
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He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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